Computers


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        If we Think of God as a Computer Programmer.  
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Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step 
   through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions. 

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what 
   goes on in the daemon scripts.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? 
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages Him
   automatically and He logs on from home to try to bring it up. 

   Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow. 

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on Jolt and
   candy bars.  On the seventh day He went home and found out His 
   girlfriend had left Him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project; now we are in 
   the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but 
   personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers
   than he actually possesses, so nontechnical people are scared of 
   him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to 
   mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you.  And
   searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a 
   request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost. 

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites
   running exact duplicates of you in the present release version. 

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because He values elegance and simplicity, but
   then the users and managers demanded He tack all this senseless 
   stuff onto it, and now everything is more complicated and
   expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will He listen?
A: You can waste His time telling Him what to do, or you can 
   just get off His back and let Him code.


Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just
   pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put 
   you down.

Q: Is God angry that Jesus was crucified?
A: Let's just say He's not going to any more meetings if He can
   help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the 
   food turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a 
   common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God.  Is this true? 
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: Why don't we see God at work?
A: God works at interrupt level.  When He wants to do something, 
   He suspends our processes, saves our registers and status, and 
   swaps us out.  Then He works His will on the world.  Then He
   swaps us back in, restores our registers and status, and resumes 
   our execution.  To us, things appear to change by magic.


        ********************************


IN THE BEGINNING

#In the beginning was the computer.  And God said

:Let there be light!

#You have not signed on yet.

:God.

#Enter user password.

:Omniscient.

#Password Incorrect.  Try again!

:Technocrat.

#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.

:Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command.  Try again!

:Create light.

#Done.

:Run heaven and earth.

#And God created Day and Night.  And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: Rs.92.50.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.

:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and

#Unrecognizable command!  Try again!

:Create firmament.

#Done.

:Run firmament.

#And God divided the waters.  And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: Rs.84.60.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.

:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
 and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in string specification!  Try again.

:Create dryland.

#Done!

:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas.  And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: Rs.65.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.

:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.

#Unspecified type.  Try again!

:Create sunmoonstars.

#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: Rs.54:00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.

:Create fish.

#Done.

:Create fowl.

#Done.

:Run fish'nfowl.

#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
 that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
 every winged fowl after its kind.  0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: Rs.45.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.

:Create cattle.

#Done.

:Create creepy things.

#Done.

:Now let us make man in our image.

#Unspecified type!  Try again.

:Create man.

#Done.

:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
 and have  dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
 of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
 earth.

#Too many command operands!  Try again.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated.  6 errors.

:Insert breath.
 #O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated.  5 errors.

:Move man to Garden of Eden.

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

:Create Gard.En.

#Done.

:Move man to Gard.En.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

:Copy woman from man.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated.  3 errors.

:Insert woman into man.

#Illegal parameters.  Try again!

:Insert man into woman.

#O.K.

:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated.  2 errors.

:Create desire.

#Done.

:Run multiplication.

#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run.  1 errors.

:Create freewill.

#Done.

:Run freewill.

#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
 Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run.  1 errors.

:Undo desire.

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

:Destroy freewill.

 #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Help!

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Create Treeofknowledge.

#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run.  1 errors.

:Create good'nevil.

#Done.

:Activate evil.

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95.  Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.

:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.

#Man'nwoman cannot be located.  Try again!

:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.

#Search failed.

:Delete shame.

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

:Destroy freewill.

#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

:Stop!

#Unrecognizable command.  Try again.

:Break
:Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE  SIGN OFF.

:Create new world.

#You have exceeded your allotted file space.  You must destroy
 old files before new ones can be created.

:Destroy earth.

#Destroy earth.  Please confirm.

:Destroy earth confirmed.

#COMPUTER DOWN.  COMPUTER DOWN.  SERVICES WILL RESUME
ON SUNDAY MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M.  YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!

#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.

#And God had zero funds remaining.

JOKES
1. Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan
of $ 5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well,then,here
are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly
had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe
keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan
officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

THE SPEECH
2. A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school
in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as
was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly
on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech : Leddies and Gentulmens,
Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If
small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly
speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the
following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation
in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I
put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and
at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son.
Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible
for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who
get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our
birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our
birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the
Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or
looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of
Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety
seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great
books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to
college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can
become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants,
or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil.
We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your
heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come
in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for
refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so
and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.
If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and
thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"

Quotes...............

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3. feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in
neuropsychology intro course
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness,
The New York Times, 1960
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three
thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the
constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who
continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench
to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to
learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for
their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams,

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's
Samoan Attorney

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
The most important thing in the programming language is the name.
A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently
invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable
language.
-- D. E. Knuth, 1967

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone
wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than
one night."
-- Charlie Brown,
_Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

You are Visitor number since March 7, 1997.

Last revised: March 26, 1997